Low.

There are a few pivotal moments in life where you learn who your true friends are and who needs to get the hell out of your life. Generally these are pretty bad moments and it’s the good ones that show you support and like you stand a chance at surviving, the toxic people will ignore your existence or make you feel incredibly small & weak.

Unfortunately the true friends rarely get any recognition other than a brief ‘thanks’ as you’re too busy feeling horribly hurt, disappointed and let down by those you thought were good friends. I’ve been put in a situation recently where someone I was incredibly close to has really hurt me, only none of my friends know about it so I just deal with it in silence. Would they feel the same if they knew? My guess is yes, because majority just aren’t that loyal which is fine. I just wish sometimes I had the guts to tell them so they knew what people are really like.

The dumb thing is, as much as they’ve hurt me and I never want to see them again, I still desperately seek their approval. No matter how many times they make me feel like absolutely worthless dirt I still just want them to see me in a light that’s better than they are. Despite the fact that my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach with deceit & guilt, or that I suffer major anxiety when I know I’m going to see them, I still want that person to want us to be the friends we used to be. How low must my self esteem be?! Pretty fucking low.

Amongst all of this is those true friends, they have no clue whatsoever is going on, they just know there’s something. I alter the reason as to why I’m grouchy at times but I feel I have too, and I expect they’d understand why if they ever found out what happened. Which one day, they inevitably will do. Good luck when they do sweetheart.