394 reasons why I don’t date.

Being eternally single I often get asked how my love life’s going, I often respond with a joke or openly laugh; It’s going nowhere, but that’s okay because I’m a single independent woman who doesn’t need no man damnit! Or some shit like that…
Whilst eating lunch with my work pal Ben, I was happily stuffing my face with a baguette full of gooey sauces and tasty goodness. Real shocker, half of it ended up all over my face and dribbling down my chin – stay classy Bristol. Ben laughed at me and I giggled through my food saying ‘Reason number 394 why I don’t date’ Ben laughed and remarked that I should write a book about it; well I can’t be bothered to write a book on the obscure reasons why I can’t/shouldn’t date so this’ll have to do!

Dribbler.
As stated above, it’s a real effort for me to not wear my food, dinner dates aren’t really an option because 90% of my dinner will end up on my face, in my hair or in my cleavage. For some reason I feel like Mr.Date wouldn’t be too into that look…

Eating attractively isn’t my thing…

Drunken slurring.
I’d need a drink or 17 to calm pre-date nerves, call me old fashioned but I don’t think it’s fantastic etiquette to turn up shit faced with potential vomit on the horizon.

Dried up conversation.
I get incredibly uncomfortable when conversation starts to dry up with someone I don’t know particularly well. There’s a difference between falling into a comfortable silence and just running out of things to say. When the latter happens it usually leads to me rambling incoherently or just aborting mission and running away.

Consistently clumsy.
If there is some fresh air I will 100% fall over it, a drink in the near vicinity will be spilled, doors will be closed on someone’s fingers, cutlery dropped on the floor, offensive jokes will be made etc. My clumsiness has gotten in the way of so many important occasions in my life – sexy struts can end in a trip to hospital where I’m concerned. Nothing says romance like a hospital waiting room.

Forever clumsy.

What do I wear?
What I wear will determine everything, if I wear the wrong thing the date is doomed. I greatly dislike that pressure. Same for make up, I want to look nice, but still like me, but not like I’ve put no effort in. Too much pressure.

Snorting.
Not cocaine, I’m all for a drink to calm the nerves but I draw the line at drugs, the snorting issue is if I laugh I’m highly likely to snort. Some people find it cute and endearing, but not everyone…

My celebrity crushes have gotten out of control.
Both myself and mister-of-the-moment have to deal with the fact that they are not Robert Downey Junior, Andrew Garfield or Harry Styles. It’s a difficult fact to live with and it’ll take a lot for us to get through it. Only the strongest will survive.

Hubby.

The One Direction thing.
Can’t stop won’t stop. I relentlessly love them and am more than happy to argue with people about how wonderful they are. Arguments on dates are no nos unless an established couple right? I’d probably go for it within the first 5 minutes…

The Taylor Swift thing.
Same as above. I’m a religious Swifty and will happily sing her songs at the top of my lungs if she comes on. There is literally no control. It’s not attractive, it’s not cute, it’s not funny. It’s savage and uncontrollable.

Haters Gonna Hate Hate Hate…

I’m crazy jealous.
If the waitress’ eyes linger on you for too long, I’ll remove said eyes with the fork she’s kindly just given me. And then we have to deal with the waitress bleeding and wailing at us, which just isn’t a great date experience.

Awkward is my middle name.
Particularly highlighting the fact that I feel awkward about something, and then going on to declare ‘See? This is awkward now!’. Nobody likes that person, but unfortunately I am that person and I have minimal control over it.

I’m tired all the time.
I’ll play along and act bubbly, fun and interesting, but really the whole time I’m counting down until I can have a nap. See me pull a crazy warped face where I’m struggling to keep my mouth closed? I’m stifling a yawn. It’s not that I’m bored, I just like to sleep 98% of my life.

Sleep is The One.

I totally believe in star sign/horoscope stuff.
If our star signs are not compatible then I take that quite seriously, I realize to non-believers that sounds stupid, but my reasoning isn’t 100% stupid. Aquarius is typically compatible with Gemini’s – 2 of my best friends and my mum are Gemini’s. I’m not compatible with Cancers – my ex was a Cancer and so is one of my guy pals, the similarities between them when they’re in a relationship is uncanny. I’m not compatible with a Cancer in a romantic way, they make much better friends. And so, if our star signs aren’t compatible then it’ll always linger on my mind and put doubts there.

Cancer, Virgo, Pisces and Taurus need not apply.

I don’t take compliments well. 
I just won’t believe you, I’ll probably politely say thank you and smile uncomfortably but it’s more likely that I’ll deflect and defend what you’ve commented on. “I like you hair today” – ‘Oh really? The ends are horribly split, it needs a cut and my roots are horrendous.’ “Your make up looks nice” – ‘It’s completely uneven, it looks patchy and my eyeliner flicks don’t match.’ “Nice dress” – ‘It was a fiver from Primark, I love a bargain cause I’m such a cheapskate.’

So that’s some of my totally relevant and important reasons why I can’t/am not allowed to date. Anyone else got any crazy reasons why they can’t/don’t date?!

Woah, it’s 2015.

It’s kind of crazy, I still remember the Millennium 15 years ago, terrified of the Y2k bug. I was a youngster going to my best pal Claires house, my parents were joining because our parents were friends as well. I wore a purple short dress with a black sheer full length skirt that went over it. We ate food, danced ridiculously, drank fine wine (okay it was Pepsi, I was about 8 years old after all) and 15 years on I still basically do the same thing except with different people, stronger drinks & no parental guidance.

2014 went out with everyone vaguely singing Auld Lang Syne, hugging and kissing, clinking glasses and smiling with joy that we made it through another year. Every single year I have the same resolution – ‘To top last year’, everyone states at the start of the year ‘This is my year’. Truth is 2015 isn’t my year, 2014 was. It followed the single worst year of my life so it wouldn’t be too difficult, but still, 2014 was mine. I took on my needle phobia and walked away with multiple tattoos & a few extra piercings. I generally maintained my fitness – don’t get me wrong there was some pretty lazy times, but generally quite fit. I went to 10 different countries, which is awesome. In 2014 I accomplished a lot and learned a damn lot more. So on to 2015, what treats do I have in store for the year ahead?

Something new every month.
A pal inspired me to do something I’ve never done every single month of the year, 12 new things shouldn’t be difficult right? Surprisingly quite difficult. It was a range of things in 2014, from my first tattoo, to attending exercise classes on my own, to jumping off a cliff on a zip wire over a quarry. It was a real mixed bag last year and I expect 2015 will be no different, I’ve already got my something new for January and June. Just another 10 months to sort.

Zip wiring over a quarry was incredible!

Live music.
I shamelessly went to see One Direction last year at Wembley Stadium. Fair enough if you’re not a fan, I can no longer be bothered to argue with people about them, but either way they were absolutely incredible. I forgot how much I love live music, the atmosphere & energy were overwhelming. I also went to see a friends local band which was pretty fun. So for 2015 I have tickets to go see One Direction again, and Fall Out Boy – who I’ve been gagging to see for years. I’d like to see more local bands as well as the big bands!

More travel.
I’ve already accepted that I won’t be going to 10 countries this year, it’s just not going to be happening. However, I have a good few weeks holiday so current plans include loading up Starky and doing a mini tour of the UK on my own. Later in the summer, my favourite traveling partner Katie and I have decided to go to Croatia, we’ve been harping on about Croatia for about a year now so it makes sense that we go together, besides, we always have a fantastic time together.

More holidays with this girlie.

A little more metal.
I’m loving piercings at the moment and have become a little obsessed, I’ve managed to reign it in and not go overboard quite yet. So  far I have 3 in each ear & my nose pierced. Right at the end of December I got hooked on a DC TV series called Arrow (So awesome, just watch it.) There’s a character on it called Felicity Smoak who I completely idolize; she’s the brains behind Arrow & physically she’s a goddess – she has thick long blonde hair, wears glasses (Holla specs crew!) and always has fierce piercing game, Felicity has sparked my piercing obsession, she’s got something funky going on in her top right ear. She also makes me want to seriously up my office wear game.

Piercing/hair/glasses/office wear idol.

Maybe some fresh ink.
So I totally banished my needle phobia last year – well needles in guns with ink pouring out of them are okay anyway. I got my first tattoo in January and it soon spiraled so I had a nice collection of 6 tattoos, all inspired by different things personal to me. I currently don’t have any inspiration or particularly want more tattoos, but I know the tattoo itch will strike again and I’ll definitely want more. Inspiration comes from crazy places so I’m keeping my eyes wide open.

Fresh air.
I really want to get into going for long nature walks on weekends, I don’t have anyone to go with which puts me off a little bit but I certainly like the idea of it anyway.

Fitness freak.
As mentioned I maintained my exercise quite well last year, I’d like to keep that going and experiment with different types of exercise and fitness classes, in fact I’m embarking on pole dancing in just a few days (for fitness, not a new career choice). So watch this space, I’ll be one toned skinny minnie.

Pursue my nerdy dreams.
Hardly a secret that I’m a fan of all things Marvel and various other worlds, so it’s about time that I make my way to Londons MCM Comic Con. My pals and I are going all out, I’ll be reusing my Harley Quinn costume and arriving with a troop of villains and heroes from the Marvel & DC universes.

Harley takes on The Batman with her love The Joker.

So it’s safe to say I have a lot to be getting on with this year, it should be pretty busy as usual but that’s what keeps my happy. Please feel free to share with me whatever weird and wonderful plans you may have, I’d love to know!