My first time.

I’ve been feeling all fuzzy and content at the moment. Works going well, I’m eating healthily and exercising regularly, home life isn’t a state, hearts not broken and I’ve been having a really good time with my friends – I keep having those moments when I look at them and just think ‘Yes, I’ve got wonderful people in my life.’ So I was planning to blog all about things going well. Instead I saw a video on YouTube called My First Time – it’s a teenage boy recalling some of his first experiences so instead I decided I’d follow suit as this would be way more comical. If the title drew you in then this is not about me losing my virginity, like I’d honestly blog about that!

My First Boyfriend
A boy called Tom from school, he had long hair and wore band t-shirts – he was perfect for my rocker phase. He was also my first valentine and bought me a white teddy bear with roses which was adorable. He also bought me a box of chocolates, which never made their way to me because he ate them the night before he saw me with his pal Rob. Such a romantic.

My First Proper Kiss
It was in school outside of a IT class with Tom when I was about 12. I was forced into it by peer pressure and it was not a good experience. It was awkward, I had no idea what to do and just generally wanted it to be over and never happen again. To this day I’ve never kissed anyone since!

My First Criminal Activity
I was fairly young and curious and had a day of vicious rebellion. The crime took place in Wilkinsons. I was ruthless. It was a penny sweet, a fried egg to be precise. I took 1 and ate it without paying. I cried for about 2 hours after because I felt so guilty and terrified I’d be arrested. Clearly I’m not made for a life of crime.

My First Crush
James Marsters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t think any man will ever compare to how I felt about James Marsters. He was the ultimate bad boy and I had a giant poster of him in my room. A decade on and he still makes me swoon.

My First Gig
Technically it was Five at Cardiff with my mum when I was about 9 years old. But I don’t count that one because I went with my mum.. My first solo gig was CKY during my skater phase, aged about 13 and equipped with converse and baggy jeans. They were awesome and I loved moshing, Which I now wouldn’t be seen doing because it’s just too painful and my bones are too fragile.

My First Time Drunk
I was 14 years old going to a rock gig with a girl called Laura. We never made it to the gig because we bought 4 cans of Fosters and Strongbow each and drank it all in the streets of town. In our drunken states we lost the gig tickets along with our dignity. Mum wanted to actually murder me when I got home, she asked if I was drunk when I literally fell through the door to which I responded ‘A tiny bit’. I then proceeded to vomit all over my bedroom and had to deal with the worst hangover in the world the next day, I wasn’t at all equipped to deal with the hangover as I had no idea about cures etc, and I had to endure a biology exam whilst swaying and desperately trying not to vomit.

My First Games Console
For Easter one year my uncle bought me and my sister the original Playstation. It was awesome and probably where my love of gaming stems from. My first game was Spyro the Dragon. I still love Spyro, he’s adorable.

My First Car
A bright blue Vauxhall Corsa. I named it Dory from Finding Nemo and she was the love of my life. I saw it on the forecourt of a garage and I said to my mum ‘That one there, that’s going to be my car!’ To which mum ranted about how I hadn’t even looked at any cars yet and I’d probably say that about every single car. I test drove several and went back to Dory. I already knew she was the one but it was confirmed when I sat inside of it and turned the radio on to have it play Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for this love’ which was my favourite song at the time. It was fate. She served me incredibly well and I eventually got rid of her just because I wanted a slightly newer car.

My First Bad Hair Experience
When I was about 13/14 I had blonde hair with pink streaks, the pink was fading a bit so I bought some hair dye to brighten it up a bit. It was New Year’s Eve and it resulted in about 90% of my hair being bright pink instead of the 2 streaks I originally had. Mum managed to get me an emergency hair appointment that day to fix it, whilst I contemplated just shaving my hair off. Lucky I didn’t get the hair clippers out in the end!

My First Piercing
In the early years of secondary school I felt it was finally time I joined the rest of the world and got my ears pierced. What actually happened was I got 1 ear pierced and cried so hard I refused to let the piercer go near my other ear. It was not a successful experience. Around 10 years later at the ripe age of 22 I gave it another go and succeeded in getting both ears pierced. Such an adult.

My First Tattoo
This only happened this year, aged 22 my friend Dee booked me in because I kept putting it off. No turning back now! My oldest friend Vickie went with me and held me hand whilst I had a heart tattooed next to my hip. She had dents in her hand for ages after where I dug my nails in so hard. The pain was bearable and I’ve been back since for my second with my third booked in already.

I think that’s enough of my firsts. This could end up being about a 50 page post so I’ll quit whilst I’m ahead. I really enjoyed writing this, looking back I’ve had some pretty cringe-worthy moments, but hey at least that makes them memorable!

Getting Comfortable with Lisa.

During a recent Netflix binge I was reliving my childhood by watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it was an episode where a super geek built himself a robot girlfriend. Buffy’s just been recently broken up with and she’s trying to get back into dating. At the end of the episode, she’s speaking with her loyal friend Xander and says “I don’t need a guy right now, I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.” Never has a Buffy quote hit home so hard.

As everyone who knows me or has read my blog before will know, I rejoined the singles game in October. It was the first time in 3 years and I was clueless as to how to do the whole ridin’ solo thing. However, I seemed to do alright, I had myself a new 24/7 texting buddy within a day and scored myself a date within 2 weeks. The texting buddy wasn’t romantic, that was only ever going to be friendship and I bailed on mister date before he reached date number 2. Regardless of these things going nowhere I still had something to take my mind off the break up and my home life crashing down around me, and these guys made me feel wanted and important, I even felt needed at times.

I never felt as alone as I should’ve done because I filled the void with other things and people. I may not have had someone I was in a relationship with but I did have someone I could talk to about anything and just hang out doing nothing with, which is what I needed. I did what I expect most people would do and spent weekends partying or going away because it was easier than being home. But the problem there is, what happens when all of that dies out? What happens when the partying gets boring? Going away is no longer feasible? And the people that made you feel better are no longer there?

There’s loads of cliches about getting to know yourself after a break up and corny stuff about how you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I always thought it was a crock of shit until really recently. All of a sudden the texting stopped and some friendships aren’t what they were, the partying died out because I’m saving for a holiday and I’ve not been out of Bristol once this year. For the first time in about 4 years I’ve felt truly alone and had to rediscover who I am without relying on other people to distract me.

In the past month or 2 I’ve finally gone through the motions which means my family have had to put up with a whirlwind of bipolar mood swings with no real explanation from me but I’m getting back to me. I’ve been happier over the past couple of weeks because I’ve finally taken the weight off my shoulders and let go of everything. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay to hurt and still grieve now and again if I need too, whether it’s about my previous relationship, my grandad or just a bad day at work.

I’ve become really focused on bettering myself in every way, for my benefit not anyone else’s. I’ve become really focused and driven at work, applied for a training coarse to finally pursue a career in training and got really into fitness. I’ve been seeing physical results in my body improving which is the greatest motivation ever. I keep getting comments from colleagues and friends saying I’m looking great, which is obviously amazing to hear. Most importantly though I’m feeling great. I’ve embraced my insecurities and am working on my self esteem. I’m doing exactly what my life guru said, I’m getting comfortable being alone with Lisa.