Little Miss Suddenly Social

I used to be one of the most sociable people on the planet. I would joke that I didn’t have a home because I was always out with friends, always on the phone, checking social media etc. That all came to a grinding halt early this year. Quite rapidly all I wanted was to sit in my room and not talk to anyone. I went through a pretty lousy few months and would either ignore my friends or tell them I was busy. I didn’t talk to my family and would shut them out of my room and snap at them if they checked on me. I went to work everyday, barely spoke to anyone and then would retreat to my cave.

I had arranged to go around Europe with a friend in the summer and figured my gloomy phase was okay as I would be back to normal after fulfilling my life’s ambition. Thing is, it didn’t work. I had an incredible time in Europe & wouldn’t change a single second of it, but coming back I just did the same – work, gym, back to room. I think mentally I was making myself pretty ill and currently my self esteem is still completely shattered.

Over the past few weeks I seem to be back. I’ve been out non stop at weekends and am loving the company of the people around me. I’ve even been seeing people on week nights which has been unheard of the past few months. I’m enjoying spending time with my family, not locking them out and have a great time with them. I’ve been to events which have resulted in me making new friends with people I’ve never met before – there’s nothing I love more than finding out every single thing about a person, comparing stories and getting to know what makes them tick.

Maybe I just needed a break from reality, whatever it was I’m finally back to me again and couldn’t be happier!

Little Miss Never Satisfied.

Little Miss Never Satisfied is the latest nickname that mother dearest has branded me with. As per usual mummy dearest is 100% correct. I’m very confident and assertive in saying exactly what I want in life and striving to get it, problem being that 9 times out of 10 when I get it I’ve lost all interest and decide I don’t want it after all. Apparently I have a severe case of ‘only wanting the chase’, which is highly frustrating for myself and the people around me.

I’ve gone on about how it would be nice to have someone who loves me dearly and could take care of me, and how jealous of my coupled up friends I am. I met the absolutely perfect man, got on with him brilliantly, he asked me out, what did I say? No. All of a sudden I decided that single life is what suits me and makes me happiest. But then again I could still be subconsciously holding out for the wrong person because he has no interest in me. One heck of a chase when regular contact isn’t even had.

I want my job to be more challenging, so my company changed me on to a different, more responsible project and of course now that I’m here I’m far too stressed and under pressure from it and no longer want anything to do with it. Sought more challenging career, got it, bottled it due to pressure.

For the past 18 months or so I’ve been desperate for a nice new car, a Renault Megane to be precise. Everyone told me it’s too big a car and that I don’t need it, that I’d suit a Mini Cooper, ‘I don’t want a Mini Cooper, I want a Megane’ I’ve always insisted. Car shopping finally happened, saw a certain super sporty Mini Cooper S and fell immediately in love, test drove a Megane and dumped it. Don’t get me wrong, the Megane drove brilliantly, but didn’t have anywhere near the prestige that my Cooper S has.

It’s definitely not a problem with the things I’m chasing, it’s definitely a Lisa issue. It’s not as though these things change in the time I’ve set my sights on them to the time I conquer them, it’s all in my head. Maybe I set standards too high, or build things up in my mind too much. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been times the crazy, intense build up has led to great things *cough sexual frustrations cough* but generally I build something so insanely far up in my head that actually succeeding is a massive let down. Maybe it’s why I was never amazing at sales, I wanted to out do my mates but didn’t actually care about the end result.

It’s often been said by my family it would literally take a miracle for me to be satisfied, even then I’d be disappointed.
It would seem that The Rolling Stones singing I can’t get no satisfaction is far too relevant to my life these days.

So what about you? Any super annoying situations you’ve been in which have been all build up no climax? Do share I’d love to know I’m not the only one!

Sleep.

It’s currently 20 minutes past midnight and as per usual I can’t sleep. When I am successful it’s one of my all time favourite past times and nothing beats a good afternoon nap where I wake up face down, with the credits rolling from whatever film I put on and a pillow covered in my own drool. I need a full 8 hours sleep in order to function like a normal humanoid – any less and I’ll be a spaced out zombie, any more and I’ll be a cranky bitch from the depths of hell. My body is pretty specific on the exact amount of sleep that I need, and it rarely happens. Sorry world; you get either zombie or bitch Lisa on a daily basis.

It’s not like I don’t try to sleep. Insomnia has always been an issue and throughout my entire educational life I functioned on a maximum of 6 hours sleep as I went to bed at 2am every damn night. Now as an adult I need the elusive 8 hours and it is an up hill struggle trying to accomplish that simple task. Sleeping tablets and sleepy lemon tea don’t even have an effect on me anymore. I’d say it affects my life drastically but it doesn’t because I’ve been used to being sleep deprived since I was about 14.

Various things keep me awake and here’s the top issues I seem to battle every single night of my life…

Sleep time = Contemplate life time.
As soon as my head hits the pillow and my eyes give up being open, there seems to be an adrenaline buzz for my brain. Suddenly I think every single thought that has ever been thought. All of a sudden that boy who hurt my feelings 7 years ago is haunting me, when my mum told me off when I was 8 years old is parading around my head, that movie I really enjoyed is on a 2 hour replay in my mind and every vague disagreement has escalated to a full blown fist fight of what I should’ve said. I’ve tried the whole ‘I won’t think any thoughts’ thing and it doesn’t work, because within 3 seconds I’m pondering if it’s possible to not have any thoughts. It would seem for my over-active brain that it is definitely not possible.

I will die alone.
I’m a single little Pringle and sleep time is the perfect time to suddenly remind myself of that. I will definitely die alone. No one will ever love me and I’m doomed to live a sad, lonely life until I eventually die of loneliness. I should’ve said yes to a second date, that guy would’ve fallen in love with me and we could’ve got married and okay I wouldn’t be happy but I wouldn’t die alone. What if I die in my little granny flat and nobody finds me for weeks because nobody loved me or cared for my existence? Deep stuff, all highly important when I have to be up really early for work.

Demons are waiting.
Maybe I watched Buffy too much as a kid but I’m a big, unfortunate believer in the supernatural. Midnight is an ideal time to think about every single horror/supernatural related tv show or film I’ve ever seen and no matter how rationally I convince myself it’s not true, I always think they’ll be chilling in my room waiting for me to sleep. Especially ghosties. I’m petrified of the thought of ghosts so sleep time is great time for my mind to remind me of that. And if I sleep with any body part other than my head out of the duvet then a demon will scratch my skin off. I don’t know where I got that idea but it’s been in my head since very young and as a result all body parts stay tightly tucked in every single night.

It’s too hot/cold.
In the winter I tend to ‘sleep’ in my thickets heaviest pyjamas as well as a hoody and joggers under a massive duvet yet I’m still not warm enough. In the summer I go the opposite way and ‘sleep’ in minimal clothing with a thin duvet on yet I melt and sweat all over the place. I’ve tried the one leg out/one leg under the duvet trick but demons will scratch my skin off so I end up retreating under the duvet in a hot, sweaty ball. Demons can’t get through duvets so I’m safe there, despite the levels of sweat.

The Internet.
Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Pinterest. Buzz feed. All women stalk. YouTube. Repeat x 15 times.

I had a cup of coffee. A week ago.
I used to drink like 7/8 cups of tea or coffee a day. A few panic attacks later I decided that if I was dealing with panic attacks I’d rather not do it when I’m also off my face on caffeine so I now just have 1 cup of coffee to start my day in the morning. If I can’t sleep then it must be because my bodies still amped on the cheeky extra coffee I had several days ago.

These are the main things that keep me up at night, generally just myself being slightly unhinged which I suspect will be a recurring problem for the rest of my life. I’d encourage you to let me in on what keeps you awake at night? Are you over caffeinated? Worried about demons? Going to die alone? Let me know so I know I’m not the only severely sleep-deprived person!